Towards TAKING
BACK OUR POWER, at a recent Gatekeepers Collective, participants
focused on what, if any, difference is there between who you
are, and what you’ve been told you are? And, who told you? And,
what if any, difference might that difference be making in our lives?
“I remember my
teacher telling me I wasn’t that smart. ..They used to call me
‘Simple Sylvester’…But, I know I am very intelligent…college
educated…was an educator myself…And so, that difference…what I
am, versus what I was told I was, and who told me…that’s a
major…for me, that’s a major difference…”
“For me, it’s
not so much what people have told me…It’s what people have told
me through their silence… But, what was unspoken, and what was done
could be interpreted as a slight against me…because [it’s as if]
you’re here, and you’re not here…You’re present and you’re
not present…That you’re visibly invisible…”
“When I was
coming up, I was a girl chaser…Chasing behind the girls I got
kicked out of school several times because I was always running in
the bathroom behind the girls…”
Facilitator asks,
“What were you chasing the girls for?”
“Just to be
chasing them…messing around…While teasing them…Nothing ever
really happened…”
Facilitator asks,
“And, what did people tell you about yourself in relationship to
that behavior?”
“That I was
going to be a rapist or a child molester…”
Facilitator asks,
“What did that do to you?”
“It did a lot
because, as time goes by…time went by, I got kicked out of school,
period…I wound up going to an all boy’s school…A six-hundred
school…And, from that…I went there for a little while, for the
rest of my junior high school years…I always…”
Facilitator asks,
“And, how did that affect you?”
“It affected me
a lot because I felt, if I didn’t do that, I would wind up going to
jail…After a while, things got better…I got better grades…”
Facilitator
asks, “When they told you, you were going to be a rapist or a
child molester, what did you think? Or, how did you feel?”
“It made me
feel like somebody might want to kill me…They said somebody might
want to kill me to keep me from their daughters…And, I thought
about my own sisters too…Sisters, cousins…same thing…it could
have been my own sisters …I wouldn’t want it to happen to my own
sisters…”
Facilitator asks,
“But, did you believe them when they told you those things about
yourself?”
“Yeah, cause I
seen it happen…I seen people get in fights over another girl…”
Facilitator asks,
“But, did you believe them when they told you, you were going to
grow up to be a rapist or a child molester?”
“No, I knew I
wasn’t going to be no rapist or no child molester…I hoped I
wouldn’t go that far…”
Facilitator says,
“And you were a junior high school kid, and grown adults were
telling you this about yourself…I’m sorry…”
“Thank you for
sharing that…That took a lot of guts to share that…”
“My mother kept
telling me to stop acting like a fool…A lot of people were getting
on me…saying I was acting like a fool, like an ass…”
Facilitator asks,
“Did you believe them?”
“Yeah, I
believed them…cause I was just being me…so, I must be…I was
just doing what I wanted to do…”
Facilitator says,
“For most of us…not for everybody, but for many of us, an
imporant way we come to know ourselves is by what people tell us
about ourselves…Just as T said, often times people have very
limited visions of us and will say, ‘You can’t do that’…’You
can’t be that’…‘Who do you think you are?’…’That’s
not for you’… People do it every day…Grown adults do it to
children, even yet…Yes, thank you for sharing that…Now let me ask
you…What’s your relationship to all those things they told you
[about yourself] now…That you were a fool, or an ass?...Do you
still believe it”
“Sometimes…sometimes…”
Facilitator says,
“Well, thank you for your courage and your honesty…because
that is the point of why we’re doing this…Because we carry the
stuff, many of us, that we were told about ourselves through our
lives…Sometimes, never learning the difference that those things
that those adults told you were lies…Or, how believing those
untruths might shape your view of yourself or your behavior… So,
for you to have believed it when people were telling you, you were an
ass or fool didn’t make you bad or wrong, because what would have
made you disbelieve it when these were the adults telling you
this?... And, whether or not they meant to be hurtful, you are
neither an ass, nor a fool…And, I’ve known you for over a
decade…You’re a solidly good, and loving, and gifted man up one
side the day and down the other…””
“I’m still
being told…But, I’ll say, who told me first was a very strong and
powerful and intelligent man…my father… He thought I was
strange…He was a hyper-masculine guy…He thought I sounded like I
sang all the time…It was just how I spoke… And, strangely enough,
I’m trying to wrap my mind around it… It didn’t hurt me as much
as the shame I felt from people that actually loved me feeling for
me…And, while they did protect me…I could feel how they tried to
shield me and support me because they were convinced that something
must be wrong with me…And, they did not want me to quite grasp
it…That something was wrong with me…So, they would shelter me
from what they thought, had I known, I really would feel
terrible…That still hurt…”
Facilitator says,
“You never said what your father told you.”
My father was a
very boisterous…a very stately…He was not into vulgarity…He was
never hesitant… He does demand authority and strength and power…
But again, that did not hurt me as much… I knew not to care about
somebody who truly does not care…What touched me, and still
does…The people who felt really protective of me…when I grew…The
thing that I did, and I did not only to them, but that I do to
anybody who I feel might be embarrassed or question in any way [how I
am]…I completely subtracted myself…I completely ceased to exist…A
lot of family members that actually genuinely loved me… But I would
make sure that I would [steer clear of them] because I did not want
to be a load to you…”
Facilitator says,
“So, you would invizibilize yourself?”
“Completely…I
don’t respond to people who…They would reach out a hundred
thousand times, I would reach out one…And, I will make sure that
there is a country to a continent’s distance [between us]…And,
I’ll make sure that the exchange is of depth and robust…[Or
else,] if they call me the following day, I will no longer be
available for the next year or two…because I want them to know who
I am and who they are to me…But, I am not going to be on an
on-going [basis] being around you hanging around, [and] not meaning
anything to you…Because this that I am, that you won’t get, is
something that I’m just not going to invite in your space…”
Facilitator says,
“You started out saying, ‘I’m still being told…And, the
one who told me…And, you described your father…[But,] You never
said what he told you…Or, what you’re still being told about who
you are, or what you are, [from which] you know yourself to be
different…”
“You want the
words…”
Facilitator says,
“If you can…”
“’Strange’
is one of them…’Soft’ is one of them…’Punishing my mother
for who I am’ is one of them…Because I was really linked to my
grandmother, my mother’s mother…So, my father would kind of say
to my mom…that ‘he is like this [because] he is trying to be her’
kind of a thing…Stuff like that…But, I do want to say this…That
I am extremely grateful for how isolated I felt…because had he not
made me feel so questioning [of myself] and what I was, I would have
never been in a space where I genuinely know where I come from, and I
genuinely…Because of my father, I know that the happening of me is
something that happens inside of me…Had he not put me in a position
where I felt extremely down…shredded and almost completely
destroyed and questioning everything that I was, I probably would not
have ended up being in that space….[knowing who I am] and how I
live…I still have not yet mastered communicating that to the
world…Maybe, just being a brat and being completely impatient…So,
if I feel that who I am or how I perceive myself is not how I am
being received, I just will no longer be there any more…”
Facilitator says,
“So, then you still disappear yourself?”’
“I do…”
Facilitator says,
“Okay…This is important…I’ll share with you that this
one…This man is a genius…The fact of the matter is, we’ve all
got genius all up in and through us…But, most of us are unaware of
it…Most of us are [operating] distant…in some instances, light
years away from it for just the reasons we’re talking about…Because
of myths and lies that we’ve been told about who we are…And, what
we are…I know gifted people, word to God…I have been blessed to
have known and to know profoundly gifted people…And, this Brother
here…when you see his stuff…And, you will see his stuff…you
will be amazed…And, that you have been made to feel as if you did
not have a right to be as you are, ever, is criminal…”
“They were
innocent…”
Facilitator says,
“Well, ignorance certainly [is a reason], that anyone would have
made you feel as if you didn’t have a right to be as you are…So,
it’s not about vilifying or demonizing the people who violated us
with the myths and [misinformation] about who we are…It’s not
about making them bad or wrong…But, it’s about understanding very
clearly that they were wrong…Whatever they were calling themselves
believing about who we are, and how we are in the world was wrong…”
“Generally, who
I am, or, who I am becoming is a function of the seeds [that were
planted]…Where I come from there was all of this competition…And
I sometimes, I remember hearing, ‘Why aren’t you guys like the
other guys?’… But, generally, I believe my parents believed that
I had some good quality… And, I was surrounded by a lot of love and
books, and being creative people, we were always creating stuff…me
and my young cousins…You know, I thought I was a Jackson…You
know, we listened to music and all that kinda’ stuff…But, then
later on…in my adolescent years, I remember going to Catholic
school and you know…there’s a lot of competition to get into the
school…I think what happened was that, a lot of the Indian kids,
[the] Hindus…or, Muslims…you know, they’re competitive…They’re
very, very competitive…And, they try to hold you to stigmas that’s
out there, you know…That Black people aren’t smart…Black people
aren’t beautiful…So…”
Facilitator asks,
“Did people say this to you?”
“Not so much…I
kinda’ rose above that…”
Facilitator says,
“Because the question we’re looking at is, is there a
difference between who you are and what you’ve been told you are?
So, have you ever been told you are things that are different than
who you know or who you have felt yourself to be?”
“Not so
much…Not really…And, not by anybody that really counts, either…”
“That’s an
important distinction…”
“Yeah… You
know…the Indian boys pointed out…One of the most painful things
that I remember in high school was having to explain Whoopie
Goldberg’s looks when they took the school to see The Color
Purple…So, you know, I’m the token Black boy to talk for that
time… And, you know, we were young…We were just young
teenagers…And you take all these young boys to see just one movie
[featuring African Americans]…But, I guess, getting me to explain
who Whoopie Goldberg was their saying, ‘you’re one of her
people’…But, I was above that too…I remember feeling bad about
it…But I always felt I was born to do great things…And, then when
I went on to college, it was the same thing…You know, I remember
people saying, ‘Why do you always get this?’ or, ‘Why do you
always get that?’…And it came from a place of, ‘You’re black
and you shouldn’t be getting all this, and if you do, you should
get one…you shouldn’t get two…Sam Leiter pretty much told me
that to my face…”
Facilitator asks, “What about your sexuality?
Facilitator asks, “What about your sexuality?
“I pretty much
felt like I grew into my sexuality…I took my time to grow into my
sexuality…I think maybe there’s that idea that I was
different…But, it never came to me to say anything about it…But,
I do remember kind of downplaying things…Like, I wouldn’t really
call a rehearsal a rehearsal, I would say, football practice…And, I
would make commercials, but, I wouldn’t tell anybody until it aired
because I didn’t like the fuss and all of that…Because all of
that came from the idea that people who are a certain way do certain
things…So, I feel like that’s kind of how I protected myself…I
downplayed stuff…I could hear my mother on the phone say, ‘No,
[he] didn’t do a KFC commercial, he would have told me’…And, I
did do a KFC commercial, but my mother would have fussed and I didn’t
like too much attention…”
Facilitator asks,
“And, why was that a bad thing? Or, something that you didn’t
want?”
“Not that I
didn’t want it, but growing up in the Caribbean, there are
techniques people use that are very subtle…Like I look at a little
child here who will come out like an adult and say stuff… and
people will embrace them like a little adult…But, if you did it
over there, they’d say, ‘What do you know about using that word?’
And, it would make you feel so insecure that it’s really not a nice
feeling…That was the feeling I would have when my mother would fuss
about me doing commercials…”
Facilitator says,
“So, certain shaming techniques were used in order to…”
“Control…Yeah…yeah,
I’ve always felt as if it was shaming techniques used to control
[you]…”
Facilitator says,
“But, if you don’t remember having been told you were things
that were at variance with who you knew yourself to be, that’s
good.”
“No…”
“I’m sitting
here listening to all the things that were said to me…And there is
a difference today…Well, for a long time, I did buy into them, and
for that reason, I hid…I remember my mother’s sister used to
always say, ‘He ain’t nothing but a fucking she-he!’…I hated
that fucking word…[laughter]…Why is she calling me a
she-he?...You know, I was like, um…I remember, I used to walk out
of my house and my brothers would be sitting outside with their
friends, and everybody would bust out laughing, and I would go back
in the house…[laughter]…And so, growing up, I didn’t hang
around nobody…I kinda’ like, stayed to myself…I uh, I was
really tight with my grandmother…I hung out with my grandmother and
her friends at the church, um, because I was deathly afraid of
everybody…I mean, my mother…I used to like to try to sing, you
know, a little bit… and hum a little bit…And my mother would say
things like, “Well, if you singin’ for the rent, you’d better
start packing”…[laughter]…And those things…the little
daggers, they go in you, and you start believing it, you know?…So
then you try not to sing…Or, if you get into the chorus at school,
you don’t tell nobody, because you don’t want them…to say, ‘You
know damned well you can’t sing’…It’s like, and so…Yeah so,
and then growing up, coming through high school…I mean, I guess I
must have been a strange kid because I would…I used to walk into
school through the front door, come through the cafeteria…I hear
people giggling and stuff, walk out the back door, and go to my
grandmother’s house…I used to be deathly afraid…And people
would call me names…Ugly D…Roller coaster nose…They used to hit
me in the back of my head…There was that um…that play…The
Wiz…They used to hit me in the back of my head [and say] ‘Bat,
splat, stuff like that’…You know, it became a joke…So, I just
stayed away from people…I mean, I really did…because I thought I
was ugly…I thought I couldn’t sing…I basically thought I didn’t
matter…But today, I know that’s not true…I know I’m handsome
as hell…[laughter]…And, I know I can do great things….I even
think I can…well, I know I can sing pretty well…I know that I’m
smart…People used to say, ‘You the stupidest’…My mother [used
to say], ‘You’re the stupidest child I ever seen in my life’…And
you kind of start believing that…But today, I know I’m not
stupid…I’m kinda’…I might be ignorant about some things…But
once I know it, I know it…I can pick up shit…I’m smart…I can
learn…So, what I was told, and what I believed for a while, is way
different than who I am today…”
Facilitator asks,
“Do you know what it was that enabled you to discover the
difference between what you’d been told about who you were, and the
truth of who you really are?”
“I think it
was…starting to see that the people that were saying [those things]
to me…it was because that’s what they believed about themselves…I
mean like, one of the things was like, my brothers and sisters, they
always used to put me down and stuff like that…Even as I started
growing up as an adult, they would make fun of the things I would
do…’You always carryin’ them damned books’…But, I remember
my brother telling me, ‘What’s wrong with you? Why you goin’ in
there tellin’ them white people your problems?’ ‘Why you goin’
to them damned meetings?’… But later…now, they come to me…When
they need money…When they need help with something…When they need
advice…Because they’re the ones whose lives are kind of screwed
up…And mine has gotten better…And, actually, it’s funny,
because they looked down on me when I was a kid…And now they almost
seem to think I’m like some celebrity…Where I’m from, I guess,
if you make it in the city, you’re the shit…[laughter]…’Oh,
my brother Donald lives in the city!’…’Oh, I’ma’ go visit
my brother Donald in the city!’…And none of them ever come,
anyway…[laughter]…I mean, they do…I go home to my home town…
that’s all they talk about, ‘Oh, my brother Donald’s out
here!’…And, I’m barely making it here, but I don’t mind
letting them think I’m a great thing here in the city…”
Facilitator says,
“You are a great thing here.”
“And I…Well,
I believe I’m a great thing here in the city…But, compared to
some of the great [people] in the city, I know my place…I’m not
above or below…”
Facilitator says,
“And therein lies what comparison will buy you…thinking that you
have a place that is…[or] that might be construed as less lofty or
noble or rich or wonderful than any others’ place.”
“Well, I
gotta’ admit that that does seep into my mind a lot, mostly
because, where I was from, the blacks worked on the farm, the whites
worked in stores, and that kind of stuff…No blacks were in
stores…No blacks were in government…No blacks went to school…I
mean, it was just how It was done…So, any time you even thought of
doing that, in the back of my head, I always thought I was trying to
think too high of myself…So sometimes now, even when I’m around
my friends, sometimes I feel like I’m not quite on their level,
because they’ve been professionals for twenty, thirty years…And,
I try to fight that, but it’s there…it’s still in there…”
Facilitator says,
“Okay, so, we are works in progress, are we?…Because, you know
the difference…Now, you know the difference…Are any of us still
walking with any of that stuff that we’ve been told that we
were…That we might know in here is not true, but still the specter
or specters of some of those things might linger? ”
“I know, I know
for me…And, this is like really recent too…And this is something
I’ve been fighting with myself…And it’s in reference to my
sexuality…Like you, um…I grew up in a neighborhood where it was
taboo…And um, but the difference is that nobody knew…And um,
pretty much, I mean...I had a fascination of interacting with [the]
same gender…I had that fascination, and I think a part of that came
from actually, when I was five-years-old, I was molested by my
sixteen-year-old female cousin…And then again when I turned
fourteen, I was molested, uh, by my godfather…So, throughout my
whole teens… my whole teenage years, I was kind of like fascinated
about that…But no one actually knew um, but my brother…But my
brother because we actually tried it together…And um, we just never
spoke of that one time…It was never spoke of again…”
Facilitator asks,
“How much older that you was your brother?”
“My brother’s
a year younger…Until recently…The past four years…where um…I
was um involved with someone…And um, pretty much it was a situation
where umm…Well, I’ma’ be honest, I like women also…So, um, it
was a situation where…When I actually interact, and I’m in a
relationship with someone, say either that, or that, or that
particular time…I don’t go back and forth…I don’t do that…And
um, but it was kind of like a transition period where uh…the person
I was dealing with…She had moved away…like far away, and I was
dealing with this individual that I had been dealing with on the down
low for years, and it kind of like prospered into a something that
got feelings for…So, my family found out…And what I noticed was
that I do have other family members that are gay…And um…But my
family is so weird, man…They’re the type of family that …They
talk…excuse my language…But, they talk so much shit when you’re
not around…That pisses me off…And I’m kind of like identifying
with you, because you know what?...If you can’t tell me that shit
to my face, you know, I don’t even want to fuckin’ be bothered
with you…at all…At all…Because at the end of the day, I look at
it like…Here it is, there’s someone who I have feelings for
and…She has my back…But, I can’t go to you to have my back…And
it’s always being ridiculed and you know um…deceitful…You
understand what I’m sayin’?...And, and, and…The main person
that I had an issue with about really actually knowing is…And, it’s
kind of crazy because I realize myself because he kind of didn’t
know, and he did know, was my little brother…cause my mother’s
not here any more, and I don’t really know my father…So he is the
most important family member to me that…I wouldn’t want to lose
his love…And at the end of the day, it’s like, you know…it’s
never discussed…at all…”
Facilitator asks,
“What’s never discussed?”
“My
sexuality…at all…Because I had an issue all my life… my issue
was…You know how you feel like you’re in a cage, and you can’t
really be who you really want to be and who you are without people
judging you?...And, it came to the point like in the past three years
where like, personally, I really don’t care what anybody thinks,
but one person…That’s my brother…And he doesn’t want to talk
about that at all…”
Facilitator asks,
“Do you know why?”
“Maybe there
are some things I don’t know about?...In reference to him…You
know what I’m saying?...Maybe he had a traumatic experience that I
don’t know about?...But, at the end of the day, I found out that
the love that he has for me is never going to leave me…And, that
was my fear…you know what I’m saying…”
Facilitator says,
“That he wouldn’t love you anymore…”
“”And look at
me different…But, at the end of the day, I have a nephew that
there’s no second guess…Who will stop by, or like call me every
other day…He sends me something via Face book inbox, like ‘I love
you’…And, I don’t speak to him every day…I don’t see him
every day…Like the last time I saw him was like a month ago…
“Facilitator
asks, “How old is he?”
“Forty…in
August, he’ll be forty-nine”
Facilitator says,
“Oh, this is your brother.”
“Yes.”
Facilitator says,
“I thought you were talking about your nephew.”
“My nephew is
ten…”
Facilitator asks,
“But, your brother tells you he loves you?”
“Yeah…He
doesn’t know how to say it, but like, yeah…So but, you know um,
it’s kind of weird how everything transpired, and it was not the
way I had envisioned it to transpire…But, at first, I was so
angry…about being exposed…because no one really knows…even most
of my friends…and I was so worried about being judged and stuff
like that, that sometimes I still worry…I’m not going to lie,
sometimes I still do worry…But, at the end of the day, I’m
starting to learn that, at the end of the day, I have to be happy
with who I am…And even though, at some point, even though society
is leaning a little towards that way…But um…Let’s just say
that, right now, I’m comfortable…You know, I know there’s still
some ways for me to go…But, right now, I’m comfortable with
it…And, I’m kind of grateful that, that person did what they
did…because it made me come to…Even though it was kind of a
harsh, that way of doing it… It made me accept who I am…”
Facilitator asks,
“So, they exposed you to your family?”
“[To]
everybody…On social media…And I have over 3,500 following…So,
that’s not only my family…it’s my friends…my professional
friends…everybody.”
Facilitator says,
“Oh!...Well gee!...It’s funny, because we’re priming to do a
dialogue on that [issue]…“To Out, or Not To Out”…And, there’s
a question about the terms ‘coming out,’ and ‘outing’ people
but, the question in this instance is whether anyone has the right to
expose someone else’s sexuality…”
“For me, the
terminology should be, acceptance…”
Facilitator says,
“Acceptance is a factor, both in terms of one’s own
relationship to his sexuality, and the degree of safety one may feel
with respect to the acceptance, or lack thereof, from other people
whose sanction the individual may seek…Acceptance may influence the
level of openness one observes about one’s sexuality from one
context and with one group to the next, but, the term, ‘to out’
somebody, specifically refers to the act of exposing someone else’s
sexuality…which is what this woman did to you…And, the question
is, does anyone have the right to do that?...We did a topic a
month-or-so-ago on intersectionality…See, as African descended men
who love men, have multiple stigmatized identities…Something they
call intersectionality…which is multiple, overlapping stigmatized
identities, such as being same gender loving, or gay, or bisexual,
and being African American, and being a black man, or a person of
color, along with multiple, overlapping oppressions and
discrimination that correspond with those stigmatized identities,
like racism, heterosexism, homonegativity and what they call
homophobia…So, for us…All of us operate on a continuum of
openness with respect to that stigmatized identity that is our
sexuality…You understand…So, depending on where we feel safe…Or,
the extent to which we feel safe, from one context to the next and
one group of people to the next…And, if you’ve arrived at a place
where you feel entitled in your sexuality, such that you are open
about it everywhere, that’s a beautiful thing…That’s a
beautiful thing…And, if you’ve really arrived at that place,
nobody can take it away from you… But, the question again is, does
anybody have the right to expose someone else’s sexuality to other
people?...”
“I think that
was wrong.”
“I think there
is an exception…If you are involved with somebody, and it’s a
part of their life, and they feel that you have not disclosed it to
them, one way of not allowing you the privilege of doing that to
somebody else, is by then, using that leverage and putting it out
there…It’s still harsh, and it is painful, but for the sake of
being really genuine and honest, I agree with you, but, when you are
involved with somebody, it is their life, too [and] they feel like,
‘I did not know’ I will make sure that anybody who would want to
be with you that way does know, and therefore…”
“That’s not
their space, dude, to do that…I disagree…”
“I didn’t say
clearly…And, obviously, I’m not speaking for you…I’m honoring
what you are saying…What I’m saying though is… What I want to
put out there for consideration is…If you are involved with someone
that has not disclosed that to you…And you have…you feel that you
have lost time, a lot of time, believing in something that, at the
end, you feel has not fully [been real]…”
“But, for me…I
love her…And what she did has helped me to accept myself…I’m
almost fifty-years-old…And, it’s not as if I’ve not been around
the block…I’ve been hut…I know how it feels to be hurt…I know
how it feels to be betrayed…That’s not a good feeling…And, I’m
a believer in karma too, so, I don’t want that shit to come back to
me…So, I respect a person’s feeling how I would want my feelings
to be respected…But, I’m thinking about my family and how they
don’t talk about it…ever…But, I’m content with it…”
Facilitator asks,
“Are you? Then, consider, if you will…Where you’re talking
about the family…the possibility that the reason they don’t talk
about it is ‘cause it’s not their’s to talk about…They don’t
have the language to talk about it…Do you see where I’m going?...
Come with me…Breathe, Papa…I see you starting to hold your
breath…And, I’m on your side…”
“You mean, it’s
for me to talk about…”
Facilitator says,
“Yes…And, there’s no law that says you have to talk to them
or anyone about it…Cause. It’s clear you’ve lived a long time,
indeed, most of your life not talking about it…[But] whether [your
family] want to deal with it or not, it’s your life…And, if
[they] love you, [they’ll] probably be able to stretch to
accommodate this facet and aspect of your life…Cause it’s who you
are…And, while it may have seemed too far a stretch [up to this
point]…Consider the possibility of something an old buddy of mine
used to say…’As I get better with it, they’ll get better with
it’…You know why?...Because they won’t have any choice…If, as
you say, you are experiencing some contentment with being who you
are…To the extent that, that is the case, I suspect, from one
setting to the next and from one group of people to the next,
including your brother and your family…you will be able to be fully
present in all the facets and aspects of yourself, including your
sexuality…And, even if they don’t have the capacity to stretch to
embrace your sexuality…That is, if they are so threatened by your
differentness [that they shun you]...Then it’s probably because,
like D said…the reason he discovered his family behaved in the ways
they did, and imposed those lies on him about himself was because
that’s the way they felt about themselves…See, people who are
secure in who they are…People who know who they are…And respect
who they are…Other people’s differentness is not threatening to
them…So, they have room for all different kinds of people…So,
while your family may never derive the capacity to embrace your
differentness..the likelihood of their developing that capacity is
slim to nil unless and until you develop that capacity for
yourself…So, the work that you’re doing now, in moving in the
direction of greater self-acceptance, and self-love, and self-respect
for that differentness will help you and everyone around you…Because,
the fact of the matter is, that differentness you’re walking,
Brother, is beautiful…Is powerful…It’s part of what makes you
uniquely who you are…And, that’s the point of all this…It’s
for our having believed they myths and lies that they told us about
ourselves that kept us from seeing how wonderful and powerful we
are…and have been impeding so many of us from aligning with that
wonder and power…And, it is our responsibility to do whatever work
we have to do to get to the point where we are dancing the magic of
that differentness… ”
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